He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
