I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize