I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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