Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
