The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
