i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
