Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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