Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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