I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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