Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize