Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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