is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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