nutella sex= disaster
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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