I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
