K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm passing your future prison.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
