can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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