are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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