I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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