She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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