mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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