He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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