If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i love accidental penises.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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