Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
