But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
