Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
