I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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