TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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