My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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