I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
