Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize