Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
