I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
