Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize