i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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