ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Text me some of your sweat
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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