My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
