My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
