Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
