I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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