Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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