don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
