it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
