after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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