i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
