so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
