So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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