neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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