I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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