This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize