I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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