Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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