Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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