Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
