I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
