Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
