If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
