You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
