the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
