This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
