last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
