i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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