Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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