On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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