i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
