Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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