??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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