all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
