I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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