i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
