Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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