I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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