I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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